Monday, August 22, 2022 | Aditi Arora
GUEST COLUMN
Aditi Arora
When I was being trained as a psychotherapist, I did not enjoy the luxury of any of the dating websites. Instead I enjoyed bumping into people on my cycling routes, meeting expats in foreign book club meets, or perhaps just ending up with a profound conversation with someone on the European subway. Nothing was really a means to an end. In my twenties I found that contentment was just a thought away. My grandmother always raised all her grandchildren saying- ‘everything is happening for your own good’. We call this law of attraction these days. At the risk of sounding nostalgic, my twenties was a time I barely found the need to subscribe to a packaged thought process. I could be easily inspired- movies, advertisements or some simple graffiti on the wall motivated me. Health, happiness and satisfaction were nurtured in an unadulterated way. One understood the low phase as an opportunity to go deeper, understand the blockages and work through life.
In the recent past, in all my work with the ones who are trying to be adult and that includes the young, the middle aged and all the ones in between, I notice that escapism has unfortunately housed itself in most cases. It is the excessive indulgence in the same that brings most of them to the doorstep of a mental diagnosis. Some of the issues faced by a mentally anguished population are due to the lack of communication. I notice that many bring their work culture home. The pressure and perception of behaving in a certain way is encouraged in corporate houses. It is essential for the posterity of the corporation, that its representation is bespoke. But the question is why is that ‘perception culture’ being dragged home. This again takes me back to a few years ago, when I bumped into a famous musician, a maestro in his own right, but it turned out that he found it extremely difficult to sustain any romantic relationships. Living in an age where we assume that money could prove to be the solution to everything, I observed that despite the prosperity, this candidate was clingy and controlling. The abundance he enjoyed never showed up in his thoughts and mentality, hence never in his actions and above all he deeply believed that ‘perception is everything’. When one becomes successful in showing a version of themselves that is artificial, acquired and deeply temporary, one unconsciously begins to head towards an internal crisis.
Let us try to understand things in terms of relativity. We all have expenses to look after, as a result of which we work, strive, achieve and ultimately plan our retirement. In some sense, we control and depend on our investments. But all of this strategy sometimes leads us into feeling stressed and empty. To fill these voids I now hear my clients speak of visiting an Ashram, following living gurus etc. resulting in often staying in a status quo between control and surrender, and in many cases stuck in confusion. It is indeed difficult to strike a balance in fact it is challenging for people at various stages of their life, to find the courage to initiate an honest conversation with themselves. Returning to my point of relativity, it is up to us to decide how age appropriately we behave and respond to our inner scenarios.
When I speak of being age appropriate from a psychological point of view, it is all encompassing. Somewhere when we begin to take responsibility for our successes and our failures, is what assists us in and understanding who we are and what our journey is. Many of you who are being patient with this column and are reading along to either find some guidance or are wondering why have I dragged the theory of relativity in the subject for quest for self. My answer to the reader is that when one is in a repetitive pattern of being problem prone is when one ignores the fact that the gravity of the same is distorting one’s sense of self in context with space and time. As a result of which we have many who are in denial of their age, hence in an avoidant relationship with maturity. At the same time we have many children who are prone to adulting
from a very young age. In the midst of all this we have our youth, who could be looking for mentors in a generation that refuses to age and is followed by a generation that is being pushed into hyper adulting. I wonder if Einstein ever understood trauma response or even the simple concept of trauma. For his theory of relativity unknowingly describes what so many are trying to unlock through mind, body and soul.
As cerebral as this connection of science sounds to the concept of psychology, it is easily applicable. Next time do not wait for the apple to fell on your head to understand the gravity of your concern. Step out of your patterns to gather data on yourself and connect it to your space and time.
(The author is a psychotherapist trained at the University of Vienna. Views expressed are personal)
