Monday, 15 November 2021 | Aditi Arora | in Guest Column
GUEST COLUMN
Aditi Arora
It had been a long day, when I got a call from a patient requesting for a first interview. I was trained in Vienna, and European psychotherapists firmly believe in the efficacy and effects of the ‘First’ interaction. We are constantly reminded that what the patient/client talks about in the initial meeting is usually the entire theme and dance of their therapy sessions. I work two jobs and sometimes take on few creative projects to enjoy an extra income; hence that keeps me on a tight schedule. This client seemed to declare an urgency and was even ready to come in late evening. So we both agreed to see each other early next day.
The shrink in me did wonder for a moment thinking it must be the anxiety or panic that is making her hurry into an appointment. Anyway, we met and at first I was so impressed by this lovely lady, who was so well dressed, well spoken, she explained herself to be a seeker. She had calming hobbies such as reading and hiking. After our break the barriers conversation, I asked what has brought her to therapy. She explained that she belonged to a very affluent set up but all her three siblings were in constant discord with each other. Her parents now powerless over their childrens’ whims; she felt lonely, isolated and thought she was heading into a black hole. I sat there thinking despite such a comfortable life one was down on their knees for emotional needs.
What is the power of sibling bonding in the post pandemic society? If you were to ask me I believe this connection is like a herb that has many healing properties. We are fast becoming a society that enjoys watching a divine fated connection falling apart. How many of you belong to families where people have done more to damage the relationship between brothers and sisters rather than take charge to resolve it. The new jargon of Instagram posters “not my circus not my monkeys” is being used for blood relations. Has anyone dared to question the integrity of some self proclaimed western psychologist with a large following on social media or asked themselves am I subjecting myself to information that actually resonates with me and my situation? Spirituality is getting mixed up for professional help and vice versa. Before I digress further, the stress is that how do we function where we learn to keep the warmth between us and our siblings alive.
I also happen to hear people who go out of their way for their friends but refuse to acknowledge the success and prosperity of their brother or sister. In most cases I observe that the accomplishments of the corporate world, the big talk, the style and the “professional” behavior shows up in the way people start interacting with a loved one. For example, Writing messages or emails to siblings with cold cut phrases, ending messages with “many thanks”, “regards” etc. Use of such language begins to create more distance and puts the other in a confused state of receiving. The other is left wondering if they lost a piece of their heart in the maddening crowd. That is what siblings are- they are our hearts because it is from this familiar genetic construction we derive our strength, a stamina that sometimes even our spouses and children cannot inject us with.
If one has had a troubled childhood, has experienced an abusive sibling, narcissistic parenting, or alcoholic parents the link and interrelatedness between the siblings will vary from severely attached to abandonment wounds, sending the individual into trauma loops of frustration and desperation. In such cases regular psychotherapy and timely therapeutic interventions are required in order to bring back the victim to basic levels of safekeeping so that faith and trust can be inculcated between the therapist and patient so that it is enacted in an external space through constant positive reinforcements and learned behavior.
I have always shared a healthy relationship with spirituality and most of my counterparts in my profession probably do turn to kriyas and mediations for alignment and solace but I affirm the talk, act and resolve rule should be activated if one feels that their genetic obligations were toxic and were an impediment to their growth. I have mentioned toxicity in a family setting above in case of those individuals who have found a home with friends rather than their own family.
It is believed that the quality of our sibling bond reflects in most of our choices. If we do not share a harmonious relationship with our elder sister or brother we will unconsciously always look for that emotional pillar in our surroundings, it is not that this projection is entirely an unhealthy one but will bring out the same nuances if we do not choose to heal with the sibling in question. It has been observed in the younger siblings that may have been a victim of bullying in a large family group that they are unable to co habit with outsiders since they tend to replay and enact as the suppressed in the external world thus getting stuck in a repetitive pattern. In a setting where power struggles, ego battles and envy have overpowered the siblings it would be helpful to reach out to yourself and do a critical analysis of your own behavior. Trauma plays a very deconstructing role in disturbing a balanced sibling setting. As the world turns more and more towards artificial intelligence it would be wise for the parents to assert a sense of healthy authority from an earlier stage and create an environment of trust, mutual respect and above all unconditional love between their children.
(The author is a Dehradun based psychotherapist trained at the University of Vienna. The views expressed are personal)
